Jak and Cat
by Gabriel Seraph
Summary: Jak, Daxter and Keira have found themselves stuck in a place populated with weird artistic types who'd never survive in Haven City. But how did the redheaded girl named Cat know who they were? Set after TLF and after Victorious S4. Part 1 of Schneider's Suit Factory. Off-color and/or black humor, casual violence, in-universe shipping wars: Jak/Keira, Jak/Cat and Jade/Keira.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This is a messed-up story full of bizarreness aplenty. Expect to lose your head while attempting to read this.

I am not Dan Brown, so I have no problem saying, any and all errors made are my own.

Enjoy!

Chapter 1

_Click._ "Hello," said Rayn, in a surprisingly placid voice considering she had Jak, Daxter, and Keira at gunpoint. "So nice to see you again, Keira. Daxter. And Jak. How I've missed you. Saving the world again, are we?"

"Unless you're attempting to blast this cave to kingdom come, then no," said Jak.

Rayn smiled. "It's not the cave I intend to blast," she said. "Although I do run the risk of that happening, but it's a risk I'll have to take. Trust me, you'll be thanking me later."

Seething, Daxter leaped out at Rayn with his claws unsheathed, but Jak pulled him back by the tail just in time for him to narrowly miss getting hit with a bright blue bolt of eco. "Don't do it, Dax," he said.

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" yelled Daxter. "Do you have any idea how sensitive that particular organ is? Do ya? _Do ya?_ DO YA?!"

"You could've killed yourself there," Jak pointed out.

Rayn gestured at the spot where her blue eco bullet had impacted. "Turn around, kids," she ordered. "I think you know what to do next."

The trio complied, and waited for Rayn to fire. When she did, something entirely unexpected happened. As soon as Jak heard Rayn's gunshot, the cave vanished, to be replaced with a flat field of asphalt, surrounded on two sides by heavily graffitied walls, and with a large number of chattering youths seated at tables on a two-level courtyard nearby. Next to the walls were vehicles of a type Jak had never seen before, with wheels like the dune-buggy-like things he had driven in the Wasteland, or perhaps the racers from Kras City. Except these looked like ordinary autos. Perhaps they all had secret superspeed capabilities or something.

Daxter and Keira appeared next to Jak mere moments later. "Where are we?" asked Keira. "Is this some city we've never mapped before?"

"I dunno," said Jak. "Things look really...different. No Precursor alphabet on the signs. No zoomers. No green sun." He sniffed slightly, then clenched his fist in an attempt to summon his eco powers. "Damn. The eco's really weak."

"Let's go ask someone what's what," said Daxter, skittering across the courtyard toward the tables. He jumped onto one of them and asked the teenage girl sitting there, "Hey baby, whatcha up to?"

The girl screamed and ran away. "What?!" yelled Daxter. "You never heard of the amazing Orange Lightning before?" He crossed over to another table and repeated the attempt to gather information, but again, this led to teenage girls running away in terror. "Do they not have ottsels here?" Daxter griped. "That would suck beyond sucking."

Jak scooped Daxter up and put him on his shoulder. "Let me do the talking," he said. He made his way over to a table at which a redheaded girl, two girls with black hair (one very pale and pissy-looking, the other being tan with high cheekbones that Jak's eyes lingered on for more than a couple of seconds) and a tall skinny boy with an extremely ugly dummy in hand.

"Hey," he said. "Any of you know where we are?"

The redheaded girl giggled. "Oh, you're such a card! Of course you know where you are, silly! Didn't Keira tell you?"

"How did you-" But Keira was cut off by a big hug from the redheaded girl, who whispered, "_My name is Cat Valentine and you're my big sister now. Just play along with me._" Turning to the others, she giggled again. "Guys, this is my big sister Keira. You've probably never heard of her."

"Of course we haven't," said the boy, who manipulated his dummy's mouth so it appeared to say what he said in a mock-deep voice that reminded Jak strongly of Sig, "How could we if you've never even mentioned her?"

Cat held up everyone's hands as she introduced them all in turn, starting with the pale girl. "This is Jade, Tori, and Robbie." When Robbie cleared his throat, Cat hastily added, "Oh, and Rex." Stage-whispering to Keira, she said, "_Don't talk to him. He's mean._"

Keira, still somewhat confuzzled, said slowly, "Well, as Cat just said, I'm Keira, and this is my boyfriend Jak and his ottsel D-"

"Daxter," he said, interrupting Keira. "I can speak for myself, you know."

Robbie stared at Daxter. "Whoa. How'd you do that?"

"Do what?" asked Jak.

"The ventriloquist act!" Robbie looked awed. "I mean, you don't have any handhold or anything on your dummy, and your mouth doesn't move at all...you must be a master!"

Jak stared. "What's a ventriloquist?"

"And I'm no dummy!" yelled Daxter. "Can't speak for your stupid puppet, though."

Robbie stood Rex up on the table so he could say, "Better watch yourself, boy. Don't be throwin' the P-word around lightly in these parts."

"Calm down, Rex," said Robbie. Daxter turned to Jak and spun his finger next to his head in the universal "cuckoo" gesture.

"Come on, I gotta show you guys around!" squealed Cat. "I've been waiting to show you the place for days! Come on!" She took Keira's hand and led her into a nearby building.

"Uh, nice to meet you guys," Jak said. "Sorry, gotta go!" He ran after Keira and Cat, barely taking notice of the only response he got back, a "You too!" from Tori.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Cat led Keira, Jak and Daxter through a long, twisted series of hallways inside the building, past a number of lockers with weird paint jobs, down a small staircase, past more funny-colored lockers, alongside a brick wall covered in graffiti signatures, and finally to what initially appeared to be a dead end but was really a hidden door. All Cat needed to do was slide a key into a previously unseen keyhole and the door slid open to reveal a small room with neon lights, ancient video game boxes, and tinted windows looking onto the street outside.

"Finally," sighed Cat, her voice deepening considerably. "I hate having to put on that squeaky ditzy girl voice around everyone else. It's real murder on my vocal cords."

Jak sat on a table and looked up at Cat. "Okay, first off, how the hell did you know who we were?"

Cat smiled. "Easy. You appeared in the exact same spot where I appeared when I first came here."

"When you first-?"

"Yeah," Cat said. "Through the Lost Sage's cave, right? That's where I was exploring when the wall lit up and then I found myself here. That was five years ago. Then last night, I sensed someone would be coming through the portal again today, so I made sure to be there at exactly the right time so I could, you know, get you to safety."

"Safety?" Keira asked. "From what?"

Cat rubbed her forehead with her thumb. "Well, you kinda don't belong here. Hollywood Arts is a private school for artistically talented students. Unless you got some kind of hidden abilities, they won't want you around here."

"So where did you just take us?" asked Jak.

"I've been exploring this place for a long time," said Cat. "Sometimes, I find rooms that are totally hidden and nobody else has ever seen, but they're sitting there looking fresh and new and I'm not sure why. I just found this one last week. I call it the 'Retro Room.'"

Daxter looked around. "Can't imagine why."

"Hold on a second," said Jak. "You said you were in the Lost Sage's cave? How can that be? You don't even have our long ears. Are you not even from our world?"

"Of course I'm from our world," Cat said. "Apparently the only reason we have long ears back home is because of all the eco around. I'm sure you noticed when you arrived that there was really little eco energy around. Now feel your ears, both of you. They've shrunk."

Sure enough, Cat was right. Jak and Keira's ears had shortened to normal human length. "I've heard stories like this," said Keira. "That our ears are eco antennas of sorts and if there's no eco around, they shrink."

"Well, now you know it's true," said Cat. "I'm gonna have to get you some other clothes to help you blend in better. Thank God for the drama department in this place. They have just about everything you can think of for the taking, they'll never miss anything. Be right back!" She pulled the door open and left, but stopped to tell them, "Don't leave the room before I come back."

Jak turned to Daxter and frowned. "You think she's telling the truth?" he asked. "About the Lost Sage's cave?"

Daxter laughed. "Yeah, she's totally not a big pile of crazy sauce. Let's believe everything she says."

"She's probably right, though," said Keira. "We were in the Lost Sage's cave too, and somehow we've ended up here. So clearly there's some kind of portal somewhere. A Rift Gate we never saw before? Something. Anything."

They spent the next few minutes in silence until Cat returned with an armful of clothes for Keira and Jak. Keira eyeballed the purple dress and black tights with more than a tad bit of suspicion, but she put them on without comment. Jak, on the other hand, had a tough time fitting into the skinny jeans and large but tight-fitting red hoodie (stamped with the letters "H.A.") that Cat had provided for him. He raised his eyebrows at her, and Cat shrugged, saying, "Sorry about that, but those were the biggest I could find. Hope they don't annoy you too much."

Daxter noticed Cat scratching the inside of her wrist while she said this, almost unconsciously, like some kind of tell. He also followed her line of sight, directly to Jak's crotch. Realizing instantly what was happening, he started to giggle like a maniac. Cat looked down at him and said, "Oh, and the Ottsel? You'll need to find a way to shut him up. Or at least pretend he's a dummy, like you saw with Robbie and Rex."

"Hey, I ain't no dummy!" Daxter yelled.

"Just hide in my backpack for now," said Jak. "We'll figure out a real solution soon."

Rolling his eyes, Daxter clambered into Jak's backpack, keeping the zipper open a bit so he could get some air. And so he could peek outside, allowing himself to catch Cat checking out Jak's backside. A fleeting pang of jealousy passed through him, then Daxter saw the funny side of the situation again, and he clapped his hands over his mouth to silence his laughter.

"Stop moving around in there, Dax," said Jak. "It's gonna be really hard to carry you that way." Daxter stuffed his hand into his mouth and crossed his legs, trying to sit in whatever position Samos always sat in whenever he was meditating. Of course, it was tough for him to sit still for very long, being a high-energy Ottsel, so Jak was eventually forced to resign himself to the uncomfortable sensation of his best friend stirring around repeatedly in his backpack.

"Okay," said Cat. "Um, you guys are gonna sit in on my drama class with me. Don't worry, nobody's gonna notice you, and even if they do we'll just stick to our old cover story, got it?" Jak and Keira nodded and Cat launched back into her sweetly ditzy character as she led them down the mazelike halls, skipping and humming like an insane fairy.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Although they were very much disconcerted by Cat's quick change of outward emotions, Jak and Keira didn't feel as if they had any choice but to follow her...wherever she was going. They were quickly losing track of all the different graffiti-decorated hallways, which seemed to blend into each other like an endless tour of the old Haven Slums.

Finally, Cat took them into a classroom with the name "Mr. Sikowitz" written on the door. Inside, a large number of students were already gathered, including the same ones who had been eating lunch with Cat earlier. "Here," said Cat, "go sit in the back with all these guys. Don't worry about introducing yourselves, they don't really talk much. They just sit in the back and react to stuff." With a chorus of "yeahs" and "uh-huhs," the react-to-stuffers moved over to make room for Jak and Keira on two of the extra chairs.

The black-haired one called Jade turned to Keira. "Hey," she said. "I didn't know Cat had a sister. All she ever talks about is her idiot brother. Where do you go to school?"

Cat looked at Jade askance; this level of socialization was very unusual for her, especially where strangers were concerned. She turned to Keira and mouthed "_Juilliard_" behind Jade's back. Jak, who was a better lip-reader than Keira, whispered what Cat had mouthed into her ear, and Keira delivered the answer.

"Interesting," said Jade. "Must be a nice change coming back to Hollywood, huh?" She sidled closer to Keira. Now it was Jak's turn to look at her askance. He didn't really like the way Jade was looking at his girlfriend. _Funny_, he thought. _Don't think I've ever had to face this from a girl before._

Cat also seemed to sense danger, because she shouted out to the whole room, "Hey guys, I've got a surprise for all of you! Don't worry, BRB!" She ducked into a door at the back of the room and came back with a small crate on a hand truck, which she opened to distribute its contents to the whole class. "Drink up!" she said, taking a sip of the slightly bubbly yellow liquid inside the plastic bottle, one of many just removed from the crate. "I collected this from the mop bucket Justin Bieber peed in the other day! It's supposed to be lucky!"

Naturally, everyone flung the bottles away from themselves. Jade actually managed to get hers out the window. Jak, on the other hand, saw that Cat was drinking it with no trouble, and knowing that she was only pretending to be stupid, he concluded that perhaps she meant them no harm. Sure enough, once he got past the acidic tang of the stuff, the lemon-flavored Italian soda proved very tasty. He'd never had anything remotely citrus-related before, and he enjoyed it quite a bit. It was extremely refreshing stuff, especially on such a hot day.

"Nice trick, Cat," said Tori, sipping her own soda. "But we know better than to expect you to try and kill us."

"Now for some magic!" yelled Cat. "I got a deck of cards here! Keira, pick one!" Keira complied, choosing the ace of diamonds. "Wonderful!" Cat giggled. "Now for the magic words..._Elderus Wandicus!_ That's from _Harry Potter_, you know!" She waved her hands around, then held them out to show that the card had disappeared.

"It's just gone into your sleeve, Li'l Red," said a black boy with a short ponytail.

Cat laughed again. "Silly Andre, of course it's not in my sleeve! I don't even have a sleeve to put it in! However, Keira, if you would look in Jak's left front pocket..."

Keira rolled her eyes, but followed Cat's orders again. Sure enough, the ace of diamonds had somehow been wedged into the left front pocket of the skinny jeans Cat had lent him. Both Jak and Keira gaped at the card, as did all the react-to-stuffers, doing exactly what Cat said they would do.

"Now there's something you don't see every day," whispered Jak.

"I know, right?" said Keira. "How did she do it?"

Perhaps Jade didn't like what she was seeing, because for some reason she decided to grab Andre's lemon-soda bottle, which he hadn't bothered picking up again, unscrewed the cap, and tossed it in Jak's direction. Cat, unfortunately, happened to step into the line of fire at exactly the wrong moment, and she found herself soaked from the chest up in lemonade. She looked at Jade, an expression of complete shock on her face.

"Uh-oh," Rex said. "I think you broke the kitty Cat, Jade."

Jade fixed the puppet with a death glare and sat down imperiously, while Cat just stood there, paralyzed, her shirt dripping with yellow soda. It took a while for her to find her voice, eventually doing so after a bell rang out several musical notes. "Maybe if Beck were here, you wouldn't be so mean," she said to Jade, who reached into her bag and pulled out a pair of red scissors. Cat squealed in fright and cowered in the corner, while the rest of the class, plus Jak and Keira, stared at Jade, waiting for her to make a move.

The silence was broken by the door being flung open. "Sorry I'm late," said a balding man with a beard and weird hippie clothes that reminded Jak of Onin. "I lost my supply of coconuts and- Great Gandhi! Jak? Keira? What in the name of all things Precursor are you doing here?"

_Hey!_ Daxter thought, but didn't say out loud for fear of giving away his unfortunate position. _What about me?_


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I seriously can't believe that out of all my stories, even my most-viewed Alcatraz Season 2, this one is the one getting the most requests for updates! Keep up the support, friends!

Chapter 4

The whole reason why Jak, Daxter, and Keira had gone over to the Lost Sage's cave was because it was just about time for a rare phenomenon to repeat itself that day. Once every five years, people reported seeing strange purple lights rise up from that isolated corner of the Wasteland, over a small volcano right next to the sea.

Five years earlier, a man wandered into the cave, dazed from the spoiled coconut milk he'd been subsisting on for the last several days after being banished to the Wasteland by Count Veger. He found himself dazzled by the markings inside the cave, markings that looked much more beautiful than they could possibly have looked like in real life. The hallucinogenic bacterial venom in the rotten coconuts was not helping him keep his grip on reality at all.

What did help him keep his grip on reality was the sudden flash of light that lanced outward from one of the markings the second he touched it - and just as suddenly, the Lost Sage's cave was no longer there. Instead, the man found himself on a beach somewhere, with metal tanklike vehicles the size of HellCat Cruisers trawling up and down the sand. One of them stopped and made its way over to him, and a number of uniformed, weapon-bearing men - military from the look of them - leaped out of the tank and pointed their weapons at him, all while gabbling in a strange language that made absolutely no sense to him.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" yelled the man. "By the Precursors! What's gotten into you?"

The men stopped yelling. One of them stepped forward and asked haltingly, "You...En...glaise?"

"Englaise? Oh, English!" The man breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes, I happen to speak that language! My name is Erwin Sikowitz. Where am I and how did I get here, pray tell?"

The man with the broken English nodded and relayed what Sikowitz said to his men in his native tongue. Then he turned back to Sikowitz and smiled widely. "Welcome, seer, to Yerba!"

"_Yeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ba_?" Sikowitz asked, trying as best he could to mimic the man's heavy accent.

"Yes, Yerba! Home of the Rebels! Come with us!" The man continued to smile as he put his arm around Sikowitz's shoulder. "You help us plenty, seer! Just wait! Filthy Supreme Leader no stay in power now!"

Since then, Sikowitz had lost his ability to recall anything. Perhaps it had had something to do with the increasingly rotten coconuts he kept feeding himself over the years. But now, upon seeing Jak and Keira in his classroom, two people whom he'd recognized from his days in the Underground, some of his memories came rushing back to him. Too quickly, as it happened, because once he saw them and yelled out their names, he dropped to the floor, so shocked he was now completely out cold.

"Oh great," grumbled Rex through Robbie. "Now the psycho drama teacher's broken too. This day just keeps-" At this point Jade flipped a gasket and grabbed Rex, tore his head off, and flung the rest of his body out the window, where it lay right next to the bottle of lemon soda that Cat had tried to pass off as douche-y pop-star piss.

"Wow," muttered Tori under her breath. "Violent much?"

With everyone's attention on Jade and Sikowitz, only Jade noticed as Cat hurriedly steered Jak and Keira out the door and into the hall. She slipped out the door to follow them, leaving a horde of classmates still paralyzed with shock in her wake.


End file.
